I'm honestly kind of disappointed to be writing on here again. It's been a little over a year since I've felt this way, but these feelings always seem to circle back around and find me again. Tonight, my thoughts consume me. They race around my head every second of every day. Telling me that I'm not good enough, that no one could ever love someone like me. Here I am. Sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself, yet again disappointing everyone in my life. It's like I can never do a single thing right, no matter how hard I try. If I'm not disappointing someone, my anxiety is eating away at my brain, convincing me that I can do better, that I am not trying hard enough, and that no one wants me in their life. How did I get back into this dark downward spiral?
I remember it like it was yesterday: my parents staying home, laying in bed all morning being secretive about what their plans were for the day. They didn't know, but I knew exactly where they were headed. They were going to make their way to the courthouse where Kristofer Allen awaited trial on a first degree sexual assault charge that would change his life forever. As I nervously sat through classes, my mind kept wandering. What would his life turn into after this? What if I wouldn't have snuck outside to meet him that night? I wouldn't be in this position, that's for sure. lately I've been wondering why I made the choices I did those next couple months There were so many things that I could have done differently; done correctly. The "what-if's" have been swirling around my head all day today, and I don't know how to make them stop. All I had to do was say no. Say that I wasn't going to sneak out and meet him that night and all of this wouldn't even exist. I don't understand why I was given a second chance out of all of the people in the world. I deserve it the least.
every time I step into the shower, I am overcome with this sense of self-disgust. as the hot water races down my back, I start to feel his hands slowly coaxing me to just give in. as these disgusting thoughts run through my head, tears start to stream down my face. I feel stupid and foolish for making the decisions I made that year. the only way to get rid of the feeling of his rough, malicious hands groping my body is to turn the water as hot as it will go and scrub my skin raw. I feel revolting whenever he crosses my mind. why did he have to steal my innocence and contaminate my being? a part of me will forever be broken into tiny pieces. so minute that even I can't pick them up and put them back together. I'm constantly googling his name, seeing his face, and memorizing his license plate number. No matter how hard I try, I will never be the same. sometimes I feel as if my existence is hurting everyone around me. no one needs this stress and worry in their life. I should just keep to myself so I don't make people care for me and feel sorry for me because what happened was just as much my fault as it was his, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
lately I've been worrying and stressing over the future which is silly for a multitude of reasons. I'm forever putting stress on my relationship, when I should just let it play out. but if you know me, you know my number one specialty is worrying. I'm forever scared that no matter what is promised or what is said, that I will be left alone. my boyfriend can promise me over and over again and yet, I'm still scared. more often than not, these feelings of doubt come solely from my past relationships. my last serious relationship of about two years left me brokenhearted with no faith in love or honesty. It's crazy and almost gut-wrenching to think of the impact a single person can have on you and your life. you can deny it all you want, but once that relationship or friendship is over, you sit there and stare at the wall; almost like you forgot how to live without them next to you. it gives me this heinous feeling in my stomach when I think about losing someone close to me, I don't know how life would be without my boyfriend. he'll never be able to fully grasp the idea of how much he has helped me get through and I think that's why being in this relationship is so terrifying for me. almost every promise made to me has been empty, and it's absolutely insane to me how much one person can affect your life in such a positive way (or negative for that matter). so I guess the best thing for me to do at this point is to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and hope everything will work out in the end; because it always does.
well, after a much needed break, i've decided to start writing again.
I've come to the conclusion that you just cannot please everyone. It comes down to you in the end; how you feel, what makes you happy, who makes you happy. It is nearly impossible to try and make everyone around you okay with your decisions, goals, hopes, and dreams. But that doesn't mean that you should give up.. you're not living this life to please others, you're living it to experience it. experience everything: happiness, heartbreak, loss, love. all of those things make you who you are today. If that boy didn't stomp all over your heart your freshman year, you wouldn't know now that you need to be careful who you trust and let into your life. if you wouldn't have jumped off that swing set, you wouldn't have that kick ass scar to tell your children later in life (who hopefully learn from your mistake). so chase after your dreams like your life depends on it; because your happiness does.
I never knew that once your heart has been completely shattered it can could once again be glued back together, as if it was never battered.
He looked into my soul and by then I knew.
my heart had been put back together, he must have had a life supply of glue.
our hands intertwined like a foreign puzzle, but once it was complete, I realized just how close we were to trouble.
how could someone love me?
how could I let this love be?
we have been doomed from the start; in only a matter of time will these two aching hearts break apart.
Broken promises will be the death of me. they remind you of everything that should have been, but aren't. you promised me hunting. laughing, forever. what did I get? nothing. you left. you gave up. you broke every single promise that was ever made and I will never forgive you for that. i got jealous today. I saw a picture of you two, and I broke down. I shouldn't have because I know that I am stronger than that. then I remembered the things you have done and continue to do; I remembered him and how he makes me feel; and I smiled. I smiled because I'm finally okay. I don't need you anymore. You can go off with him and pretend to be as happy as you want. because deep down, I know the truth. and you know the truth. there is only a matter of time before the mountain of lies you are living on come crumbling down. destroying everyone in their wake. and I wish you luck.
but you leaving has opened up my eyes. I found my best friend. someone who i never would have thought would be in my life is the most essential thing i possess. I was left shattered and doleful. he came into my life and brought me the brightest sunshine I will ever know. i have never met a single soul who can make me laugh as much as he does, someone who calls me beautiful like its my name. someone who treats me like a princess. I love him, and I am in love with him. My best friend, the person who keeps me sane, my rock, my love, and my future. when I am with him, my world is a million times brighter. I have never found anyone who loves me as much as he does and puts up with what I throw at them. He truly is the one for me, and I cannot wait for forever.
I have found two amazing loves in my life. if I think too much about them, I might hurt myself. The first was fun and exciting since it had to be kept a secret. but keeping secrets isn't a very good way to live your life. people find out, feelings are hurt, and everything seems to all come crashing down at once. the love was something out of a movie; dancing in the middle of the road, staying up all night in each others arms, watching the sunrise, and breakfast in bed. but secrets cannot be kept forever, things got out, and everything was ruined. the person you were swooning over does the one thing they promised to never do: leave. although she promised to come back, after college of course. only five short years away! perfect, right? lots and lots of things can change in five years. in the last six months I have been falling for him. I felt guilty at first. but when she found someone else, i felt like what I was doing was okay. I still have those nights where I miss her and wonder what it could have been. I would feel terrible if she chose me over her family, though. family was her number one priority. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me. we started fighting all the time. I saying she needed to change, and she saying the same thing about me. I kept hoping she would turn into someone else; holding onto that tiny sliver of hope that things could change. but they didn't. we both wanted different things. i think I held on so long because I knew she was capable of changing, and I just hoped she would because I wanted it so bad. I knew she wouldn't, I just wanted it so damn bad. she was and still is a major part of my life.
the second love: one of the best feelings. I never thought I could love again after her, and I honestly didn't want to at first. but I fell. and I fell hard. for the first couple months, I wouldn't let myself. I just couldn't be vulnerable again. I could not possibly take losing someone again; I just didn't know what I would do. I kept pushing him away, not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to lose what I thought was going to be my forever. his charming smile and whimsical personality finally swept me off my feet, and I was smitten. almost six months in now, and I don't ever see there being an end to us. of course, I don't know what the future has in store, but I'm hoping to god that he is involved in it somehow. he answers my calls at 3 am when i have a bad nightmare, he wakes me up with his adorable sleepy voice almost every day. and let me tell you what, that early morning scratchy voice is something i could get used to. his smartassness never ceases to make me laugh, I don't think there has been a single day in the last six months that he has not made me smile. smiling is such a huge part of life. if you do not smile every single damn day of your life, you're doing it wrong. I don't think I can ever live without him. its not just him, its his family too. I feel like they are my family. I love every single member of his, and if they were to be removed from my life, there would be a giant void that could never be filled. i just can't explain the amount of happiness and love that flows through my body when I hear his voice or see his very attractive face. love is a beautiful thing.
I don't necessarily believe that home is an actual building. where your bed is at, where your family is located, or where your cat stretches out in the sun. I think home is a person. your person. I think that home is when their arms are wrapped around you and you finally exhale the huge sigh of relief that you've been holding in all day. your body relaxes and everything is finally okay. the troubles from the day melt away, and nothing else matters but the fact that your everything is sitting right next to you on the couch. everything about them lures you in: their smell, the taste of their lips, the way their hair glides through your fingers, how they tense up their abs when you give them a good, hard poke, the whimsical sound of their laugh, making you feel like you are the most amusing person in the world.
but the worst feeling of all is when you feel as if you aren't good enough for your person. you feel like you're heading down this dark, downward spiral while pulling them underwater right along with you. those stupid bad days that turn into bad nights, then a bad week, then a bad month. I don't know who I am, but I know that you are the one that I want. It's you; it's always been you and that will never change.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't always say or do the right things. I'm sorry I say things I don't mean and I hurt you. you shouldn't have to put up with any of it, and i'm still not quite sure why you do. I want to change for us, I want us to be as good as we can get. I can read you like a book; my favorite book, actually. and I want to read it every day for the rest of my life. you make me feel good about being me, and that's something that is very challenging to do. I find it extremely difficult to put thoughts of you out of my head on a daily basis. you practically live in my brain. I am overwhelmed by the spell you have put me under. there is a lot of me that is lost in you, and if you were to walk away, i would no longer be myself. what we have is something many others spend their whole life looking for. I was lucky enough to find you in my very short eighteen years on this beautiful planet. I may not be that great of a person, but I know there is one thing I can do better than anyone else; I can love you. I promise to love you with all that I've got, even if it's not much. I will try to be the very best me that I can be if it means I get to have you in my life forever.
I promise to stay if you promise to never leave.
I believe that happiness is a state of mind. you can choose what ruins your day, and what makes it the best day ever. sometimes we are faced with unyielding challenges and decisions and the answers aren't always clear. at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is your happiness. if there is some relationship that is suffocating and mutilating every ounce of euphoria from your soul, you need to remove them from your life as fast as you can. not a single one of us needs someone toxic in our lives, and if you are that toxic person, shape the hell up. if you are miserable, fix something. going around, ruining peoples days and tearing them down isn't good for anyone. no matter what your situation is, you can still find something to be happy about.
look for the sunshine in every situation, because it always shines.
goodbye is hands down one of the hardest things to say. whether you are leaving for four days, four months, or four years. I think goodbye always scares me so much because it could become permanent. something could happen. a car accident, a shooting, or an abduction. of course, those are all extreme cases but they could all very well happen and that is pretty scary. its even scarier when you're saying goodbye to someone you love when you are upset. something crazy could happen, and that 'goodbye' and fight was the very last thing to happen to you.
it might seem silly, but we need to think of these things before lashing out. before saying things we don't mean to people who mean the world to us. that's why being nice is just so damn important. you don't know if that is the last time you'll ever see them. so laugh your ass off, kill them with kindness, and love with all you've got because you never know when you'll see them again.