goodbye is hands down one of the hardest things to say. whether you are leaving for four days, four months, or four years. I think goodbye always scares me so much because it could become permanent. something could happen. a car accident, a shooting, or an abduction. of course, those are all extreme cases but they could all very well happen and that is pretty scary. its even scarier when you're saying goodbye to someone you love when you are upset. something crazy could happen, and that 'goodbye' and fight was the very last thing to happen to you.
it might seem silly, but we need to think of these things before lashing out. before saying things we don't mean to people who mean the world to us. that's why being nice is just so damn important. you don't know if that is the last time you'll ever see them. so laugh your ass off, kill them with kindness, and love with all you've got because you never know when you'll see them again. -V.C.
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in my freshman year of high school I wanted so desperately to end my life. one day, in science class, I decided I was going to try to end it all. I starting popping ibuprofen like crazy. once my personal bottle was empty, I went to the nurse and got more. after that, I started asking my friends for more. 25 pills later, I started to feel numb and fuzzy. I didn't tell anyone, nor did I die (obviously). I became addicted to that 'numbness'. I woke up each day and proceeded to take 10-12 pills so I could get through the day. I was like a zombie. every day was spent just going through the motions. I barely passed my classes and i lost a ton of weight.
today, I accidentally took too much medicine. I spent all day freaking out. but now, being numb doesn't feel too bad, and I'm actually kinda enjoying it. -V.C. I think we all have those nights when we miss someone. someone who could very well be in your life still. someone who has left you feeling empty and worthless. we just sit here. and miss them. and miss them some more. you don't even understand why you all of the sudden feel this way, but you find yourself missing even the simplest of things. the way they crinkle their nose when they know they said something inappropriate, but funny. the way they trace the small of your back with their delicate, skinny fingers. their smell. the sense of "home" you feel whenever they are around. when they look at you, the world practically stops spinning. it is just you two, taking on the world. one unstoppable, completely badass duo.
then it hits you. it's never going to be like that again. life as you knew it has forever changed in the blink of an eye. you are no longer conjoined at the hip, no more secret laughs are shared at three in the morning when you can barely see straight. no more sunrises, no more sleepy good morning kisses with our stinky morning breath. its all gone. and nothing, no matter what is ever going to bring it back. they're gone. every single promise; broken, all the words once shared are now hollow. once filled with the hope and security of forever. two years, down the drain. and i still fucking miss you. -V.C. I wish I was good enough.
So i could fall asleep every night, feeling happy as can be. Knowing I am yours, and you are mine. I wish I could be good enough, so I don't sit here and criticize every single one of my flaws, searching desperately for ways to make them all disappear. I wish I was smart enough. To get into a good college. To move far, far away from you. to make you feel the gut-wrenching pain that you deserve. so you're the one wondering what you did wrong. I want to meet new people, make you miss me. get a good job. start a life. I wish I was skinnier. I look at the scale and in the mirror and feel disgusted with what I see. 145 pounds is about 25 pounds too much. maybe if I were skinnier I would be good enough. I wish I could erase my past. All the demons in my bed at night are driving me insane, and all I want is some peace and quiet. is that too much to ask? I wish I could sleep. a good night of sleep would be fucking beautiful. I wish I could be happy. the feeling of happiness just comes and goes so frequently. I wish it would just decide to stay for a little bit longer, maybe permanently reside in my life. I hope you never give up on me. -V.C. everyone's opinions of you don't mean jack shit. people are going to talk behind your back, make you cry, and just be plain assholes. it doesn't even matter. you are who you are. you own every single thing that has happened to you and no one else can understand what you've been through so they're in no position to judge you. you have to come to accept that you cannot possibly ever please everyone. the only person that matters is you. being true to yourself and accepting who you are is key to living in this crazy world. in the end, you are all that matters. if you're worried about friends or family judging you, they don't need to be in your life. you do not need anyone who doesn't understand or support you and your decisions. the only thing that matters in life is YOUR happiness. so love yourself and never change who you are.
so to all the people talking shit about me, my blog, or who my blogs are about-- fuck you. writing this helps me a lot. it's therapeutic, almost. and just because you think you know everything about me or who I've dated or my life, you are wrong. you have no reason to give anyone shit or even talk about it for that matter. so hop off. -V.C. we all know that saying "never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted/made you smile".. whatever. either way it's complete bullshit. you better believe that I regret sneaking out at midnight to meet some guy I met on the internet.. I regret believing every word out of a significant others mouth when they promised to always stick around, or that they would never hurt me. but low and behold, where are they now? barely in my life. regret is just a part of life. you do stupid things, you regret them, you learn from them. that's all this life is about. learning and fixing past mistakes, so you don't repeat them in the future. no one likes that feeling of anguish that tears us apart on the inside after we've made a foolish mistake.
our past and mistakes don't define who we are. you are not fat, skinny, or depressed. you are not a size or a number or a statistic. you aren't what society tries to shove down your throat. you are defined by how you like your morning coffee, what books you like to read (if you like to read at all), if you're an animal person, if you like to spend your Friday nights out getting crazy, or if you would rather curl up on the couch and watch netflix. you are your favorite color, your favorite food, favorite song and music. you are you, and you are beautiful. -V.C. happiness comes in all shapes and sizes.. whether its a day spent with a loved one, or just sitting outside, taking in the fresh air. look for the little things in life, because in the end, those are the things that we will hold on to. remember laughing uncontrollably with your boyfriend over dinner, not paying attention to the movie because you can't stop sneaking little kisses, singing Ed Sheeran at the top of your lungs, not caring what other people think. find love. actually, let love find you. don't fight it, take it in and enjoy every. damn. second. stay up late and smile at those little texts that make goosebumps rise on every inch of your body.
BE HAPPY. you only get to live this marvelous, crazy, insane life once. don't spend the days moping around, waiting for things to get better. MAKE THEM GET BETTER. nothing is going to change just by sitting on your ass all day. believe in yourself and get rid of all the toxic people and things in your life. if they can do without you, you can sure as hell do without them. if they cause you exuberants amounts of pain you day in and day out, kick them to the curb because no one deserves that. I don't care who you are or what you've done. you deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. so take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember that you are worth it. -V.C. it's 12:10 and my mind is filled with endless "what ifs". it's not a particularly good night, and I feel somewhat alone. it's times like these where I can feel myself giving up, and it's not exactly a good feeling. I want my best friend back. I want my old life back, I want to be happy. I want to wake up every morning smiling, ready to take on the day. No matter how hard I try, I cannot go a day without thinking about losing my best friend, and what my life has now become. I miss everything. from smiling to crying from laughing so hard. losing your best friend is like losing your better half. she saved me from the girl was becoming.. and now that she's gone, I'm turning into her again. I can honestly say that I am scared.
-V.C. I was recently asked what the greatest honor was.. after a great deal of thought, I slowly replied "life". honestly, what else could it be? love? happiness? we would never have either if we weren't alive. walking around, breathing, feeling, and just flat out b e i n g. life is such a beautiful gift. no matter how sad you feel or how shitty your day was, you will get another chance tomorrow. one day, you could be waking up next to the love of your life. do you know what that feels like? can you even begin to fathom the incessant amounts of happiness bubbling out of every pore in your body? you will NEVER experience that feeling if you are dead. you don't know if things are going to get better because you don't have the guts to stick around to find out. you won't get to hear your favorite song, eat your favorite foods, discover NEW favorite foods, you won't get to stay up until 2 am feeling your abs come in because your significant other just makes you laugh that hard. the way you talk to your freaking animals for gods sake. even simple things like being outside; feeling the wind and sun on your face. none of these things even have the chance of happening if you aren't here anymore. so wake the hell up every single morning and put a smile on your exquisite little face because YOU DID IT. you made it through the night, you are alive to give it another go.
-V.C. |
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