de·pres·sion
noun: severe despondency (a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage) and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. when you're depressed, you tend to only focus on the negative things in life. you lay in bed, don't eat, don't sleep, and just don't make an attempt at life. I think all of us have gone through those things at one point or another. whether it was after a death, or the end of a serious relationship. we feel helpless and alone, like its us against the world. and god, does it really feel like it. this past month, I've done nothing but half ass life. always hiding away in my room, scrolling through tumblr, fighting with my best friend. I barely eat or sleep and have come to accept the fact that an average night of sleep consists of 4 nonconsecutive hours of tossing and turning. I lay here and hope the day goes by quickly without any problems (which usually isn't the case). your body feels like it's not you in there anymore.. like someone or something else has taken over and completely changed who you used to be. there are some moments when you catch a brief glimpse of happiness, and you find yourself wondering why you were even sad to begin with, why you would have those feelings of death and loneliness. and I honestly couldn't tell you why we get the way that we do. so push through the day, and you can email me if you need anyone to listen.. sometimes strangers are the best to open up to. and remember, the sun always shines☀ -V.C.
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sometimes, late at night, you find yourself thinking about anything and everything under the sun. you end up crying, without even really knowing why. your day was perfect, how could everything seem to be falling apart now? you sit and wonder "what could I have done differently? how could I have changed the outcome?" all of the sudden, 11:00 hits and you are no longer who you were when the sun was shining. those horrible, awful thoughts sneak into our brains. making us think about why we aren't good enough, why no one cares, why everyone always seems to give up on you. and I honestly don't know why. am I not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough? literally everyone tries their hardest to be in my life for the first couple months.. but when they finally realize how insecure and messed up my mind is, they leave faster than I can blink, and I don't know what to do to make them stay. I've lost so many pieces of myself in my short 18 years on this earth, each being stolen by every soul that has made the decision to give up on me. what I want to know is what possesses someone to just randomly decide to throw in the towel? what quality deems me as an unfit human being? I can think of a few things: my inability to trust others, my insecurity about my body weight, the nights I turn into someone else. I think everything about me screams "LEAVE!" because that's all anyone has ever done. so don't feel bad when you do too.
-V.C. why are we so graciously planted on this demented, awe-inspiring world for? I used to believe that everyone was here for a reason, but now I'm not too sure. It sometimes seems as if some people are here just to make things tougher for you. and sometimes it even feels like the whole human population wants to try and make your day a little bit worse. even like today, I didn't get my paycheck until 4:00, do you by chance know what time the bank closes? FOUR O CLOCK. Then, I prepaid inside for my gas, I told him $20, and what did he push? $10.50. okay. cool. whatever, great day so far... but then we realize that there are people who are put on the earth to make you breathe a little sigh of relief. the people that can just tell that you're having a crappy ass day and know EXACTLY how to cheer you up. don't ever let go of those prodigious people. when things get rough, those are the people you can run to without giving it a second thought. we need people like that in order to survive this crazy emotional roller coaster. without an amazing support system, even the best can fall apart.
-V.C. people will go to any extent to hurt you and that's just life. it could even be your best friend. the one person you trusted with your life, and they will still go to any extent to cause you an exuberant amount emotional and physical pain day in and day out. and holy hell will it hurt. you'll feel like you're drowning, while your best friend stands on the shore and laughs maliciously. you'll learn that all promises are made to be broken, and people don't actually stick around when things get rough like they say they will. your days will be spent assuring people that you are indeed "fine" and you'll try to choke down as much food as you can manage with the knot that has now taken over your stomach; your nights will be filled with tears and staring blankly at the wall, feeling as incomplete as ever. but have no fear, because along with all this pain comes joy. endless amounts of pure joy. new friends come along, people you never even expected to be close to are suddenly your best friends and you will be happier than ever before. the smiles and laughs that were forced before now comes as naturally as breathing. the past slowly fades away and you feel as if you are a whole new person, and it will feel glorious. nothing lasts forever, including pain.
remember, the sun always shines☀ -V.C. trust may be one of the most important things in our lives. it can make or break a relationship, intimate or otherwise. once trust is broken, nothing will ever be the same again. it doesn't matter what your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend did, they still broke that very special and irreplaceable bond that honestly cannot ever be back to where it was, no matter how hard you try. not only is it important in friendships and relationships, but with your parents. the summer after my freshman year I made the horrific mistake of sneaking out to meet someone I met on the internet. losing my parents trust was one of the hardest and frustrating things to deal with. here I am, graduated and I'm still working my ass off to get all of that trust back. i can't even put into words how important it is in life. I was "cheated" on last December when I was with the love of my life and best friend. we're no longer together, and our friendship now suffers from this loss of trust so long ago. we're unable to fill that void where the trust once was, and I'm scared I'm going to lose this person who is so very important to me because of it. now I have a hard time trusting anyone. once you have put all your faith in the hands of someone you love and they destroy it, you are scared to death of trusting anyone else, even if they haven't given you a reason to not trust them. so be careful who you trust because I guarantee you that half of the people you think care, don't.
-V.C. I don't understand why we crave the things that kill us. the things that break us down and expose us during our weakest moments. but the things that kill us are also the things that can make us very happy during our lowest points in life. its a win-lose situation and I cannot decide if the winning makes up for the losing. I'll admit, the highs we have are the highest of highs, but the lows get pretty freaking low. what do you do when the person that makes you the happiest at times makes you want to take your own life? I love you or I hate you, there is no middle ground. when the person you love is just as messed up as you, it makes for a pretty interesting relationship.. but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I think I've decided that the highs do make up for the lows. because during those highs, I am the best me that I can be, and it's all because of you. so there's that.
-V.C. we all get that feeling of nothingness. and it eats us up from the inside out. you swear you're fine, but you slowly find yourself laying in bed all day, not eating anything, and hiding away from the world. then suddenly you realize that this madness has become your life, and you are spinning down into the heart-wrenching pain of depression. swallowed whole by the darkness. you start to wonder what it took to land yourself here. and you come to realize that all the little things that you swore up and down didn't actually bother you, do. you want to change; you're practically craving it. change is so hard to come by, and I cannot put into words the strong desire of my will to change. but do people actually change? that's probably the most interesting question. can they actually change who they are, and become a totally different person? aren't they the exact same person as before, only deep down? I am a firm believer of change, and the affect it has on people. I think that people can change if they have the absolute desire to do so. if you can't commit and put in 110% effort, you will not be able to become the person you want to be. but once you make the ever so dramatic change, you are at high risk of slipping back into your past self.. which is scary enough within itself.
-V.C. You see, in life, there's this box that someone you love very dearly gave to you. and in this box is 999 of your favorite things. your lovers laugh, their smile, the way they touch you. But also located in this box is one thing that you do not like. one very negative thing. now you have two options. you could choose to let this negative thing affect your whole life, and let me tell you what, it will tear you down and leave you feeling alone and hopeless. when in all reality, you're not. you, my dear friend, are over thinking. nothing good ever comes from such madness and I do not recommend it to anyone. do not ever let that one negative thing decide your happiness. Life has so many marvelous things to offer you and just because one atrocious thing pops up doesn't mean that you cannot be content with your life. you decide your happiness. do not let that one negative item corrupt or cloud your blissful view on life. rather, think of all the other glorious 999 pieces of 100% pure happiness and let that guide you through this wondrous roller coaster called life.
-V.C. I wanted you to be it. I wanted to be done searching.
But now I'm searching all the time. for your face in the crowd your clothes in my room that laugh that made goosebumps arise on every inch of my skin. You're nowhere to be found. -V.C. |
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